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Push myself.  

Try something new.
Learn more.
Start SOMEWHERE!

I haven't been in the blogosphere lately and I have SO missed it.  I miss this online journal and the diffuser of my thoughts.  :)  While I've been MIA, though, these phrases above have been consuming my mind and I'm super excited to say I'm following through on these ideas.  There will be more details to come soon (SO excited!)!

Until then, though, I've been asked to post some more follow up and/or comparison pictures of my face.  It's been almost 4 months since my surgery (and not quite two and a half years since I began this whole process) and it no longer swims around my daily thoughts.  I feel almost completely back to normal, still stretching those muscles and ligaments 3 times a day (most of the time, because I forget sometimes!) and hopefully next week I'll be given permission to start eating completely normally again.  Whoop!  That is cause for excitement and celebration in my opinion!  I'm excited to have this all completely behind me and and next week marks one more step toward having this all in the past!

So, without further ado, I'll start from the very beginning.  :)  (I'm kind of excited to see this for myself as I've never lined all the pictures up side by side before!)

The day I began all the treatment with my splint (can you see the clear plastic "thing" over my teeth?)

Shortly after getting my braces put on

Several months into braces - I, personally, can see how they moved my teeth out a little
making my "toothy" smile seem huge!

These two were taken only a few months before surgery.

These two were taken a day (or maybe two?) before surgery

                                         

1 week post surgery

These two were taken shortly after we got back home, so probably about  a month post surgery.

A month and a half post surgery.

A silly photo I took with my phone - 3 months post surgery.

And finally, this was just taken a few days ago at almost 4  months post surgery.

It's surprising to ME when I look at the very first picture and compare it to the last one.  I can honestly say I feel good about the changes that have been made.  I'd be lying if I said I was never self conscious of that big gummy smile before, so I'm happy with my new smile.  I feel like it's changed the way I look quite drastically sometimes, yet I know that I still look like me, if that makes sense.  

I have yet to really experience any pain at all (except this darn philips screw that is still in my gums - for only one more week - that rubs my  upper lip).  And still, I have numbness.  But, really, that's the worst of it, and not really something to complain about!

Unfortunately, though, since surgery, I have also been losing my hair, once again.  It's mostly gone on the top of my head.  So for me, wearing hats has become routine lately (if you're wondering why you've seen me in nothing BUT hats these days!).  Thankfully, though, it's been easier for me to not dwell on it this time.  I have other things that are filling me up and giving me life and allowing me the freedom to not stress a lot about it.  I still am consciously making the choice to look for the ways this is a blessing.  I still certainly hope this passes quickly (and sometimes I really wish I could understand why my body reacts the way it does to certain things), but for now, I'm ok.  :)

Hopefully in the next post will come sooner rather than later!  

Ahhh, so good to be blogging again.  :)

Real life is the good life

Honeymoon phase between the kids and I is officially over!  They have resumed their normal sibling rivalries and the occasional defiance, though I think my senses are still heightened.  It doesn't take much for me to remember how much it ached to be far away and I'm reminded to not take for granted this precious time with them.  The joy from returning is still present.

I picked up my camera this week for the first time in about a month and it felt SO good.  I had forgotten how much I love to document our family life in this way and let myself enjoy the creativity of taking pictures.

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Capturing family pumpkin carving, rolling down the leafy hills at the park, and drawing on the screen door window, freshly steamed from dinner baking in the oven - this is the real life I've been able to capture, reminding me in this season of difficulty, to just be thankful.

And, um,  check out that boy in the 'big boy' undies!  Today was day one of potty training and not one single accident ALL DAY!  Can I get a woo hoo from all the parents out there?!  He told us each time he had to go (even after we put the diaper back on for bedtime tonight) and made it through nap time.  I think Landen really loves me - or maybe it's the M&M reward system.  :)

As for me, I'm doing well!  It's been four weeks today since surgery!  I look for the joy and the humor in the place I am.   I mean, I have some serious ventriloquist skills going on right now.  Jon enjoys thinking up funny things to make me say.  Jon so easily makes me laugh and laughing, while not totally comfortable, is stretching out that scar tissue and I believe it's bringing my face back to life.  :)

My sister and I.  I think we are looking much more alike now, after surgery!

 After the joy, though, I sometimes get discouraged.  Discouraged with the discomfort (though, thankfully still no pain), with the numbness and inability to open my mouth very far,  and with the blended diet.  Wonderful friends have been bringing the kids delicious meals and while serving them, my mouth waters and I imagine enjoying these yummy foods, while instead I wait for Jon to blend my can of Campbell's soup (yes Jon blends most of my foods for me.  What a guy!).  It's only a short time until I can eat real food, though, right?  Only 28 more days, at three meals a day... ugh!  I'll get there...

(And you know, some of these friends' meals I've been able to blend, and there are those who bring me shakes or juices, so I suppose it's not entirely bad ALL the time!)

But real life is resuming.  Taking kids to school, picking them up, naptimes, bathtimes and all the playtime in between has gained momentum in our routine again.  And for this I'm thankful.  Life is moving on.
 
 Thanks, friends, for doing this journey with me.  :)


(Oh, and mostly for me, here are a few from Emerson's birthday and party!)

 

Happy day to you!

Post op Pictures day 16 and Welcome Home

A quick update!

My facebook status yesterday:

The kids won't let me out of their site, want to help me with everything, and Landen announces anytime we see anyone, "This is my mommy!" as he snuggles his head into my neck. All fears of their hesitation because I look different are gone. They knew me as mommy from the moment I walked in the door.

 A very happy status update.

Those first moments when we walked in the door were wonderful.  We've picked up right where we left off.  Landen wants to be held, Emerson wants to just be with me and Braeden has almost literally not ran out of stories to tell me.  We had a family sleep over (with the kids on the floor because I was slightly nervous about having flailing kids in our bed with us!) the first night home.  The kids and I are currently in a honeymoon stage since being home and I'm down with that.  They want to be with me all the time and I am happy and absolutely ok with it.    

 I'm so, so thankful to be with them again.  I can't tell you what it did to my heart to be away from them for two and a half weeks.  However, these last few days have been SO sweet.  

This whole healing process is turning out to be a very humbling thing, however:

My energy still doesn't measure up to what I'd like to do, so I'm depending so much more on Jon, which is hard for me to do (mostly because I like to be busy and doing things myself).   However, I do seem to be improving every day.

This blended diet thing isn't my favorite.  Yesterday Jon blended some lasagna for me.  When it was still to thick to be able to drink, we added some milk, warmed it up and that was my dinner!  Sounds gross, huh?  It actually wasn't too bad.  I very much dislike the eating process because I'm still numb and so it's just, well, messy.  Very humbling to say the least.  (7 more weeks of the blended diet before I graduate to a soft chew diet.  My soft chew diet will start 2 days before Thanksgiving - I'm sure that'll be one of the things I'm giving thanks for about that time!)

 I still have some swelling and lots of numbness, though every once in a while I'll get a zing from a nerve trying to wake up.  Though the numbness is kind of annoying, I'm thankful that it's probably saving me from some of the pain from the surgery.  

My muscles are still learning how to do what they need to do in the new position.  Because of that and the numbness the animation in my face and smile still isn't quite normal, but as time passes I should start looking more and more "natural."

I'm down a little more than 15 pounds.  Not too bad considering!  

Per Jon's request, here are some side by side pictures so you can see the difference a little better.  In the pictures that I'm not smiling in (both before and after), I tried to relax my face and just let it "hang" naturally.  Again, they moved my jaw out (and up) a total of 17 mm.  They didn't touch my nose, and they shaved off quite a bit of bone just under my nose (and I believe they took some bone out of my chin, too), shortening my gums and my face in general. 

You  can see that before my lips wouldn't meet naturally.  Now, they do.

The surgeon said that once more of my swelling goes down, I should have more of a jawline, as well.

It's still a little difficult to smile, but it should hopefully come more naturally with time.

Landen didn't want to be left out of the picture taking.  :) 

 Thank you so much, AGAIN, for all of the prayers and encouragement.  This healing process has sometimes been frustrating and uncomfortable, but I truly believe I've been spared what could have been so much worse because He has answered yours and my prayers.  So thank you!

As time passes...

I have been continually amazed.  After reading experiences and talking to someone who has also had this surgery, I projected the near future in my minds eye quite clearly.  Things like pain, fatigue, and learning to swallow again were to be my hard reality for quite some time.  But, as Jon has said again and again (I just don't ever listen!) my experience would be my own.  And boy, it has.  That first week was rough, especially with random feelings of suffocation came and went without warning, however as each day passes I find myself amazingly almost without pain, swallowing has become natural again, swelling is slowly coming down, despite my only liquid diet I have yet to feel extremely hungry, and my strength is returning - slowly, but returning none-the-less.  My lower lip and chin are mostly numb still, but I've been assured that the feeling will come back in time.

I find myself looking in the mirror a lot.  My profile seems so different.   My nose wasn't touched during surgery, yet even my nose looks and feels different.  I  have been smiling at myself in the mirror over and over to see if I can tell how my lips will set over my teeth.  Much of the gums above my teeth have been removed, so I know that gummy smile of mine will be gone.  Because my lips and chin are still so numb and because there is still a bit of swelling it takes work to make a smile and it comes slowly.

My teeth are banded shut (and will be for about 7 or 8 more weeks), but I've been able to drink easily despite that (with many small sips and yes, some drooling) and as I type this Jon is out getting some Cream Soda and soft serve ice cream.  The plan is to let it melt a bit and mix it together.  It'll be a treat if it works!  Here's hoping!

And then there's Jon.  He has done and seen  things the past week and a half that a spouse would probably not ever desire to do or see, but he has done them without complaint.  Even beyond that, he has done them with joy and literally smiling at me the entire time and reminding me that he loves me.  Seriously, he has.  Someday, if the roles are ever reversed, I pray that I can be that to him, to serve him so compassionately and lovingly as he has the past 10 days.

All of the encouragement, love, and prayers sent for me have been working, I have no doubt.  God has been SO good.  I was expecting the worst and while this hasn't necessarily been a walk in the park, it's been exponentially better than I was anticipating.  There is still a long road ahead, but I find myself looking forward, no longer scared of whats to come, but excited about the changes that were made, the headaches I won't deal with anymore, the locking and pain that will be no longer there.

My spirits have been lifted.  I've said before we're staying at a friends house.  In the room they've given us there is a white board.  On it they wrote this verse:

"If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.  For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;  they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.  You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;  you will trample the great lion and the serpent.  Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him;  I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him;  I will be with him, in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation." -- Psalm 91:9-16

I've looked at and read this verse every day I've been here and I just give thanks to Him who has been with me this entire journey and answered my prayers and yours.   He has most assuredly protected and answered me.  Though I never feared anything near death, I still feel He has delivered me.

Thank you SO much for your prayers.  Please continue to pray as I continue to recover, heal, and especially as we are going to head home in just a few days and re-adjust back to real life again (and can I just say I have no plans to be away from my babies for at least the remainder of this year, probably much longer!  I have missed them fiercely and can't wait to hug and kiss and just be with them again - just writing that is making me cry!).

Now that my swelling has begun to go down, I plan on posting some newer pictures sometime soon.  I feel like my face is changing each day and becoming more "me" every time I see myself in the mirror.

Turning a corner and some 'after' pictures

I began writing a post last night and wasn't able to finish, but now that I come back and re-read it, I decided to erase it all.  The difference between yesterday and today has been so drastic.  I haven't meant or wanted to complain - at least for complaining sake - but I've just wanted to be real.  After re-reading the post, however, it sounded like a lot of complaining.

So, let's start again.  Today has been good.   Beyond the tug on my heart of missing my kids, I feel like I've turned a corner. My energy is slowly returning.  I felt pulled to want to go DO something, anything other than laying in bed.  Today was my first post-op appointment with the surgeon, so I had a reason to put real clothes on and at least brush my hair (no brushing teeth yet, though - not for another week.. kinda gross).  So we packed our bags (it was our last day in the hotel) and off we went to the doctor's. 

Until today, I've had some surgical tape pulled across my face to hold my cheeks in place (now that's kinda wierd, eh?  At least I thought so - more crazy info on that in a bit) and made me quite self conscious.  It was the same piece of tape from immediately after surgery, so I'll just say it wasn't very pretty.   So having that taken off today also took a layer of self consciousness off with it.  They also changed the bands holding my jaw closed (with the screw - like a Philips screw - stuck in my upper gums and a hook stuck in my lower gums) allowing me more room to move my jaw making it much easier to talk. 

On my way out of the office I was able to talk with two other patients - one having had the same surgery 3 months ago, and another having had it 29 years ago.  I received so much encouragement and kindness from them and reassurances of how good I look, I finally allowed Jon to take the 'after' picture of me he's been asking for all week (which I will also 'reveal' as you've probably already seen below).

Oh, I wanted to explain the cheeks - apparently the length of my face was shortened so much during surgery that Dr. Gunson decided that my face needed a little more definition in my cheeks, so he took some of my own bone, removed from my upper gums, and grafted them over my existing cheekbones, to give me just a little extra.  I learned today that cheek grafts can be "manipulated" (just the thought of that gives me the shivers) for up to 8 weeks.  And today, he manipulated them.  I'll just explain the sound of it - it sounded like loose gravel being ground into - or maybe like two pieces of sandpaper held scratchy sides together and being firmly turned back and forth.  I didn't feel much pain, but just hearing the sound was enough to make me feel lightheaded and have to sit down (he 'manipulated' while I was standing). 

The biggest breath of fresh air today, however, came with arriving at our friends' house.  They have so graciously allowed us to stay with them for the remainder of the time we have to be here.  Being here for the few short hours we have been has been like being in the midst of life again.  Their three kids are only a little younger than hours and I'm so thankful we can share our time here with them.  (We didn't know they lived so close to where we would be having surgery until after we had scheduled it.  SUCH a blessing.)

And Skype date tonight?  Hands down my favorite part of the day.  Finally I felt able to talk and interact so much more with the kids and I don't know what happened to Landen, but he was all about talking on the computer tonight - complete with several " Mommy loves me!" inserted into our conversation.  My heart was full and every moment of watching cartwheels and seeing Emerson's new library book and watching Braeden give the others many hugs and kisses completed my day. 

So yeah, what a day.  I'm glad to be past the dreaded 'week 1.'  I'm glad it's over.  Now onto counting the days until we're homeward bound.

And the reveal pics.   Again, energy level low = no fancy hair.  My face is still very swollen (leaving things looking slightly uneven) and very numb from my upper lip down, so though it's hard to tell, I'm trying to smile.  :)  Oh, and excuse the oiliness.  Apparently when one swells so much for so long, their body produces extra oils to protect the skin.  Still a ways to go, but seeing the difference.


Tada!

(If you look at the post just before this one, or click HERE, you can see the pictures I took before surgery)

Update: Post-Op Day 4

This will be quick.  I'm still really tired.  This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life.  Most of my face has been numb up until today and I am just now feeling it slowly 'wake up.'  Swallowing has been quite a learning experience, swallowing lots of air each time I try, though not quite as scary as I was anticipating (still a little frightening, though).  Swelling and nights have been the worst part.  Swelling makes my head feel so heavy and big and uncomfortable.  The nights are bad because I've been swelling up more in the evenings.  Between a stuffy nose and my mouth and face swelling so much, it feels like I'm suffocating.  The doctors warned that may happen, though they assured me I wouldn't suffocate.  It's hard to remember that, though, when it's happening.

The differences in my appearance are very apparent.  I've seen an 'after' picture Jon took right after surgery, but don't care to look at myself.  It actually makes me quite sad.  It doesn't look like me, or at least, just a different me.  The swelling is so big right now that it's also hard to know exactly what it will look like after the swelling goes down (they say 80% of the swelling will go down by 2-4 weeks post op - the rest will take the remainder of a year to completely go away.)

I can tell I've lost weight, though I don't know how much.  I haven't been able to weigh myself since the day of surgery.

Oh, and tonight was the first time I've felt hungry.  I saw a Subway commercial and it made me crave some. Not bad, though, considering I haven't eaten anything in 5 days.  

The worst is missing my kids.  Crying makes everything feel more congested, so I've tried to resist, but it's hard.  I just miss them.  I miss my sweet girl, and funny Braeden, and Landen's "Hiyah's!"   We've been able to talk on Skype each night (though the first few nights I stayed out of view of the camera because I was afraid of scaring them).  I LOVE hearing their voice and about their days.  Landen isn't really into talking on the phone or computer, so I'm really missing him, but since he's only 2, I knew he would lose interest fast.  I just miss them so much.  I want to be with them, take care of them, and tuck them in bed.  My heart is aching for them.

I'm going to stop there because it's making me want to cry.

Please pray for swelling and the feeling of suffocation.  Please pray for my nerves as they are beginning to wake up that I wouldn't be in too much pain.

Pray for Jon.  He is doing an AMAZING job of taking care of me.  He's really been on top of it the whole time we've been here and is making sure have everything I want and need.  He stops and prays with me quite a bit, which I've really needed.

Most, please pray for my babies who miss their mommy and daddy.  Pray for a quick 9 more days of being away.  Pray for patience and grace for my parents, who are doing a fantastic job with my kids, but I know how hard this may be for them, too.  

Thank you for all the encouragement and support.  I'll try to update with pictures soon.  

A few pre-surgery thoughts (and some facts, including pre-surgery pictures)

I'm not sure where to start...
It was hard to say goodbye yesterday and walk out the door.  All eyes, except the boys, of course, had tears in them.  Emerson was just flat out crying for me.  It was so much more painful to leave this time.

Of course, after I left, I realized I had left some things.  We had to turn around and come back for them, hiding around the corner where the kids wouldn't see us from their play in the driveway while my dad delivered them.  THEN once I got them put into my suitcase and shut the trunk, I realized I also put the keys to the car in my suitcase as well - locked in the trunk.  Whoops!  I think Jon thought I was trying to miss our flight so we couldn't go!  (I know I didn't do it on purpose, but you know how subconsciouses can be!)

This morning began with three two and a half hours of appointments, followed by a short break (spent at the ocean), and then another few hours of appointments.

Dr. Gunson (my surgeon) measured and took pictures and analyzed my face.  He spent so much time staring at my face that the awkwardness had time to fade into routine by the end of my day there.  He stared at me like he was looking right past me - studying everything about my face and facial structure, I'm sure.

Their kindness was conveyed as they walked through all the aspects of the surgery with me.  I'll have bone grafts, bone shavings, lots of screws and plates placed in my jaw and after 5 -6 hours of surgery, I'll come out looking like a new woman - literally!  My airway will be twice (or more, I believe) the size it is now, my jaw will have been moved up and out while my upper teeth will have been moved as well (that's where the bone shaving comes in).   My face will, after all is said and done (in a year approximately) be better - it'll both feel better and look better.

In the meantime, however, it'll be painful.  The nurse very kindly, yet bluntly, told me the first 6 days are terribly hard.  A sore throat, major swelling, coming off of a steroid high (used for the surgery), nerves that will not yet wake up for several days, nauseousness, inability to breathe through my nose, teeth banded shut, the inability to speak and the very hard task of learning to swallow again will make the first week the hardest, she explained.

Swelling lasts several weeks, tiredness hangs on just as long, and while 80% of my swelling will be gone within 16 weeks, there will still be some residual swelling that will last for 12-18 months.

Some of this I knew, some I didn't.

Another thing I learned, they will place a screw in my upper gums along with a hook in my lower gums to stabilize my jaw with elastic bands.  They will also place a screw in the bridge of my nose during surgery and only during surgery as a stabilizing point, something to use as a point of reference because  my face will be so manipulated and moved around during surgery.
They will also stitch my eyes closed to keep my eyes safe from flying debris of bone and dust.

At one point, I began feeling a little panicky.  I guess no one can actually be ready for something like this, and yet they have had hundreds and hundreds of patients with successful surgeries.  Overwhelming, though, to say the least.

Last I decided to post some pictures of the process.  I guess I desire for you to understand what it is that I'm going through - NOT because I want pity.  I don't.  But I want people to understand, to be knowledgeable, to know that no, I didn't have plastic surgery, and to recognize why and what all I will be facing in the process.

Also, I don't mind questions and talking about it (once I can efficiently talk again!  Ha!) and explaining things.

(And if you didn't know before now, a very, very brief explanation is that I'm having surgery on my jaw to fix my torn and mangled TMJ joints and degenerated bone to prevent my jaw from just breaking in a matter of years)

So, the reveal (which, by the way, is slightly difficult for me to post and look at!).  Here are my official 'before' pictures.  *** You can see how the splint (which I had on my teeth at the beginning of this treatment), while putting my jaw in a healthier position, made my face, mouth and nose a little lopsided (which I knew would happen when we started).  ***

Imagine my jaw and mouth being moved forward (and slightly up) 17 mm.  Pretty crazy, but a reality in two days! 

The board is hard to read, but it says 3 days before surgery.
I took the pictures the way I did (with my face completely relaxed) because I want to be able to show the full results to all of my face (including how much is may - or may not?- affect my nose. and lopsided-ness of my face)

Anyway, here goes nothin'!  Surgery is on Wednesday morning at 7:15 a.m. Pacific Time.  I appreciate and welcome any prayers - for me and my family, especially my kids.  It's so, so hard to be away from them. 

It makes my heart so heavy to know that I'm not there to tuck them in and hug them each day.  The worst is knowing that when I return, in 15 days, that I may not be recognizable to them and the thought of them turning away from me just makes me ache.  Please, please pray for them, too.  Emerson, my sweet girl, seems to be having the hardest time.  Talking to her on Skype and seeing her cry is one of the worst things for me to see.  So, please remember them in your prayers as well.  This will be a long hard adjustment for us all.

An apology

I need to apologize.  I'm sorry for the rant last night.  It was written out of anxiety and partly some anger, which is never a good place in which to write from, especially not writing through something I should think more carefully through, something that does not represent the entirety of this journey of mine, thus far.  It was a moment in time, and thankfully my 'tantrum' has passed.

I've said in the past, and it is still true, that God has brought us through TREMENDOUS obstacles to get this far, so while it seems like I expressed doubt, I have genuinely never thought He wouldn't bring me through.  I know and trust He will.  I let my anxiety take hold last night and again, it's not a good place to express the best of my thoughts and feelings.

Second, I have had SO many people love and bless me through service over the past several years and I am deeply sorry if it seemed that I have not been so thankful, humbled, and blessed by those acts.  The funny thing is that I feel that one of my 'love languages' is acts of service and when others need help, my heart desires to help.  Matter of fact, if my help is refused, it's hard for me not to be unnecessarily sensitive about that.  

Unfortunately my heart is also prideful and I let my pride speak before I thought through what I was saying.  

For those of you who have helped me in the past (and there are many), I love you and I am SO thankful you allowed God to use you to minister to my heart and serve me.  That's one of his greatest commandments - to love and serve your neighbor as yourself, to pour yourselves out to help and serve others - and He will richly bless you.  I truly believe that and I'm sorry I did not show or express that in my previous post.  It was a lie and an ugly part of me that I let speak instead of Truth.

Thanks for loving me through this journey friends and fellow bloggers and readers.  This venue has allowed ME to be richly blessed and encouraged and I am so thankful that I do have an amazing support system, tremendous people who love me, my husband, and children enough to recognize that while it is so hard for me to ask for help, they offer and intervene anyway.  They love me enough to speak truth and love to me.  Enough to try and understand the giant I'm facing and bear this burden with me.  

So again, I'm sorry.  Thanks for loving and encouraging me through the thick and thin.  I so appreciate it.  I can't promise I may not have another tantrum after next week ;), but I'll try my best to be thankful for what I DO have and how God will use this trial in my life for something Good, for His purposes, and so somehow I can serve others through this as well.  

Thanks for sticking with me.  :)

Pre-surgery rambling and venting

Warning - this post is probably a little emotional (probably not probably, it is emotional) and raw.

  Tonight I found a blog written by another person who had very similar surgery by the same surgeons as I will have.  It's been so interesting!  She did a great job of writing day by day with pictures to document her progress, frustrations, and celebrations as time passed.
  I'm only 3 weeks into her journey post-op, however, and I'm feeling more and more discouraged.  I had to stop reading.  Her posts, while actually very upbeat and encouraging, are showing me what I'm really up against.  She is three weeks out and between muscle relaxers, pain medication, and her body just needing to rest between the lack of calorie intake and plane tiredness from major surgery, she is still extremely exhausted every day.  She sleeps A LOT.  I just don't know how I'm going to do it when I get home.  She is exhausted and rests all day.  She's young (24 years at the time, I believe) and had no complications and it's really hard for her to get up and even make herself her blended meals.
 My reality is that when I get home from California, I'll only have Jon home for four more days before he has to go back to work and I"m on my own with my two year old and five year old at home, drop-off's, pick up's, making lunches, and just trying to keep up.  I'm SO overwhelmed at this thought.  I began crying about it (I know, I can be pretty emotional about all of this!) and I think it frustrated Jon that I was stressing so much about something that hasn't even happened yet.  I just don't know how I'm going to do it, though.

I guess this is the part where I should just trust in God, day by day, to give me the strength to do exactly what I need.  And so I'll try.  I'll make my moment by moment choice to trust.  It's just hard, it's overwhelming, and I, unfortunately, can be a worrier by nature anyway.
 
My kids will need me and I'm worried I won't be able to do it.

Another thing - It is SO hard for me to take help from friends and family, especially when they have families of their own, because first, I just feel guilty that I can't take care of the family that needs me, and second, I'm constantly thinking about how the people helping would probably much rather be taking care of their own family and not mine - that they'll be resentful that they had to.  I don't want to ask for help, I don't want to make people uncomfortable and pressured into helping, but I don't know if I can avoid it and I HATE that.  I want to be in control and independent and not need anyone else.  It's very much an inner struggle for me.  And perhaps I won't, and honestly, I hope it's that way.  
Jeeze, do I sound negative, or what?  I guess I just needed to be real.

I'm nervous, I'm scared, it's going to be hard and painful and the swelling, I've heard that's the worst.  Right now I just feel mad.  I don't want to do this.  I want to just say, you know what, I'll just deal with the headaches and pain and popping and locking.  I don't care! I just want to quit!  This is too hard - and I've not even made it to surgery yet!  I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about walking into the surgeon's office again.  I don't even want to look at them again.  I don't.

It's not like me to want to throw a tantrum (except maybe only to myself or even Jon sometimes - ha!).  But I'm feeling it now - at 30 years old.  I think this is the most raw and real I've been feeling about it. I feel like I've been poured too full, and now it's spilling out.

Tomorrow will probably be better and hopefully I'll be through with all the negativity.  Please, please pray for me to have the right attitude, that somehow I make it through the days when I get home (that my kids won't starve, accidentally hurt themselves while I'm passed out in a muscle-relaxant coma, and make it to school each day), and to have hope and somehow even joy through the process (which, honestly, seems absolutely impossible right now).  Right now, I just don't know if I can make it!

Seriously, can I back out now?

How's that for some venting, huh?

 

Fingers in my hair

My emotions have been running the gamut (did you know the expression "running the gamut" is actually a musical one?  I didn't until recently! Sorry, I'll now suppress the geek in me again! :) ), and it's been rather exhausting, honestly.  Surgery has now been rescheduled for September 28th.  Jon and I head out Sunday, the 25th and will return October 12th.  I'm bracing myself again for the goodbye's we'll have to say again and for the huge and difficult transformation that I'm facing (at least 4 months of eating nothing but blended foods - two of those weeks, nothing but liquid.  Kinda bummed, but trying to be as optimistic as I can about that!  Lots of shakes and smoothies - that's a good thing, right?!  Right?! :) ).  

Anyway, the routine that back to school has forced on us has been good for me.  And now most mornings, I have one-on-one time with this guy.  I've loved it.  I love him.  And he loves me.  And he cracks me up.  

Tonight I laid with him in the dark waiting for him to fall asleep and he threw his arm over my neck and said, "I luf you berry much, Mommy.  You MY big boy."  Yes, I tell him that every night.  :) And then he went on to run his fingers through my hair.  My hair is still falling out in small hand fulls, so I knew it was coming out in his.  But he said it tickled, and giggled, and I didn't care.  I cherished his sweet chubby two-year-old fingers running through and through my hair as his eyes blinked heavily.  

I'm anxious to be past this - to be past missing my kids before I'm even gone.  To know exactly what this is and how it's going to be - good or bad.  And I'll be glad to be home again with my kids and have this all behind me.  

So, the countdown begins again.  25 days until I say goodbye - again- to my kids and fly out.  Until then, I'll be working hard to make them good days together.